There are very few moments of clarity in your 30's where things just feel " ahh" settled. Or maybe that's just me. My brain is like a old house with hundreds of rooms, some untouched from years before and others creak and moan in the background. So when a moment of clarity strikes I feel like the fog lifts and I am suddenly whole again. At least for a fleeting moment.
Recently I have been reflecting on the seasons of my life. The season that moved my to my current location. The season where I decided to go back to work, open a private practice and place my daughter in school, then again when I decided to place her in full time school and this in-betweenish stage I'm in now. I'm not sure what to call it and maybe that's why i'm writing to you, to help us navigate/name this season together.
Almost four years ago I left behind a behind a career and co-workers I adored. Embarked on a cross country adventure with my husband, our dog and two cats, and a now 2.5 year old in my belly. Nothing seemed to make sense, new town, new people, newish career for my husband. I dove into pregnancy like it was my job, and it was my job. But there was this nagging feeling that I " should be doing more." I had to win at stay at home wifing and moming. I didn't want to work outside of the home. I was able to survive my first year postpartum without the shoulds, could and woulds. But the pervasive comparative and competitive nature of life, and motherhood was starting to creep in.
By this time I was navigating the oh shit I have to parent this child stage, not just keep her alive. I dove into activities, mommy and me gymnastics, library time, park meetups. You name it I was trying to do it all and keep up with the ever changing ages and stages of having small children. But still I felt like I was missing the punchline. I needed more ( irony inserted later). Fast forward I decided to open I private practice online, part time two days a week. Eight months in I decided my daughter really needed (irony again) school five days a week. This would give me a four day work week case load capability of 15-20 hours and Friyays off! Sounds dreamy right?!
Now as a mama of a toddler or anyone whos ever met a child before you realize they are gross. Sweet but dirty little germ magnets .... so you guessed it. Que the sickness as soon as we transitioned to full time care. Now as many default parents know the burden falls on you/me/us. But in particular to my fellow military mama's out there. Not only are our spouses, working but quite literally in accessible . They are in some secret squirrel location akin to a bat cave unable to have communication with the outside world. So I started having to cancel my clients, schedule during nap times, use YouTube as a babysitter. Whatever it took, if I had a sick baby at home. I needed to.
Now fast-forward I am writing to you as I have COVID ( miraculously for the first time) and my almost three year old has is, and my husbands is in locations un-known. It occured to me as i started to spool and panic on ALL i had to do to pivot and re-arrange. It was simple( not to be confused with easy.) My baby was sick, I was sick. Now remember that irony from above, my daughter has recently learned " need to" so its " mommy I NEED more snacks. Mommy we need to go to the splashpad." and on and on and on. Hearing her say these things and explaining to her wants Vs. needs was like a jolt of electricity. (Kids are great like that holding the mirror to us and towing the line. ) What i was NEEDING to do was actually external pressure. It didn't align with me but rather the perceived pressure that I was creating to do something more, " all the other" working moms panicked and were run into the ground scrambling for childcare, I must panic too.
So it got be thinking back to those earlier seasons, the voices/ influences I listened to. Now I am very lucky I have what Mel Robbins calls 3AM friends, meaning I could call them/ text them etc at 3AM and most likely they would be awake too and walk me through the vortex of panic I was talking to one of my friends who just simply reflected on this season in her life and her needs, and her family's needs. Is this season hard? HELL YES. But somewhere in the hustle can do it all woman culture I got sucked into the negativity tractor beam. The content creation that I was subscribing too was at this season of my life I'm supposed to be drained, dehydrated and disregarded. The women and mothers I listened to in my early days of parenthood, deeply impacted me and fed that nagging feeling that I should be doing more. And now the women I'm choosing to engage with tell me do less. My therapist ( yalls grand therapist for my clients out there) highlighted to me areas where I have OVER engaged. Where I do to much, say too much, try too much.
So while I would be remiss If I didn't shout out the fact that all of this comes from a place of privilege. To be able to say hey I can't do it all. I want to reframe It. Maybe we don't stop doing as much, but rather we start dialing into what we engage with, examine our boundaries and limits and look at what doesn't align. It makes me think of the story of the two wolves, (https://nanticokeindians.org/about/the-tale-of-two-wolves/). Which one do I want to feed?
Today I am choosing to see that I am trying and be proud of that. This is life. Now. Not when my daughter is older and I'm back in an office 9-5'ing. Not when I retire and get to actually spend time with my husband. Now. And just for today I will show up to you as a whole person. A working mom, therapist, friend, wife, sister, daughter, woman lover, fighter and soul igniter.
Yours in solidarity, Caroline
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